girl, ruined

I once knew you
as a girl who let her innocence run wild,
let her ignorance fuel her passions.
I once knew you as a girl who knew me.
But I am now drowning in a tub of tears.
I've never needed to defend my love for her to you.
To you, of all people. Our best friend.
I have love in my heart for the girl I once knew.
But now all I have is hate in my head.

I sit here in this snow-laced city
with lost love in my heart, with hate in my head,
and all I do is cling to what I knew.
If honesty was ever in our relationship,
I am standing here telling you,
we're gone.
There is a revolution calling us and we are going to lead it.
The fuse that you would like to extinguish,
is within us. And you helped create it.
But this, I did not write for you.
I wrote this for the girl I once knew.

I lay here hurting.
And as my tears dissolve like milk in my tea,
I can only think of you as the girl you are now.
And all I can do is tattoo your name all over my hands.
All I can do is remind myself that the girl you are now is the girl you've always been.
For the girl I cling for that I once knew,
that girl is me.

All For You, Christine (hehe!)

I don't think I can take this anymore.
I am lying here on the floor and there you are, with her.
I just want to break down, I want to break down and I want you to pick me up.
I want you to pick me up and carry me away far from all of this.
Why won't you come back to me? What did I do?
WHAT DID I DO?
Please come back. I am lying here on the floor feeling nothing.
You used to want to fix me. Now all you do is run away.
And it doesn't help that you have a bike that makes you run away even faster.
Please stop running from me. Please stop using your biking as an excuse.
Please. Come back to me.
I am the only one who knows you and I need you to know me again.
Please come back.
Forever yours.

19

I feel so empty now.
I wish you weren't so strong. Sometimes I wish you would just breakdown.
So I could pick up the pieces without having to tiptoe around them.
I hope you can call me back one day.
I wish you would before I turn 19.

This is my final letter to August.

You gave me all that I could ask for and more. But this is my final goodbye and I don't want to ask for much. Please don't forget me. I feel so lost but I don't want to carry you through such a tragic journey. Go forth and live a life of love and memories. I don't want to keep you in this cage any longer. You have been my greatest love.

Goodbye, August. I will forever love you.

It's easy as 1, 2, 3
Tell a lie, Skip the truth, Make up a past
Until you get to the letters
Because
A- Is when the lies catch up with you
B- And you have to figure out how to tell your loved one that you've lied about your entire past for your entire relationship
C- Then you have to face them afterwords

In the end, it's not as easy as 1, 2, 3
It's a fucking bitch of a do, re, mi

I am a liar.
Born from a liars' club.
But I swear, I will not tell a lie.

I don't feel cut out for this.
My mind is twisting and I am looking at you now and I don't want to lose you but my mind is twisting.
It's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed through the moments where you should've been paying attention.
How long do I have left before my mind braids itself to shreds?

I am at the place where the sidewalk ends.
I can't bring you with me and I can't walk back.

Whata Blondie

1.There's a scar on your arm.
2.And your ears are flat.
It's nice to just watch you. Watch you like I can tell what you're thinking.
You enjoy listening.
Because when you
"listen to people's problems, it's like you're solving your own."

I Love You Even After the Curtain

Asparagus

I remember thinking you were going to ruin her
Turn her upside down and spin her all around
But she yelled at you across the table
Told you to put that down, spit it out, throw it out

So you fell down
You were turned upside down
You were spun all around
Just don't, she told her
Don't let the pain turn you bitter

The other day when you left me to smoke by myself
I just wanted to die.
Oh, I cannot take these lies.
You flip me over, cut and slap me with these lies

So I fell down
I was turned upside down
I was spun all around
Just don't, you told me
Don't let the pain turn you bitter
Don't let the pain turn you bitter

It is hard for me to feel lucky when I can never catch a break. I can't stop wanting. Instead of wanting, I lie to myself saying whatever I "need" is deserving. That's bullshit and I know it. I have no deserving qualities. You have to have compassion to be a saint, talent to be an artist, beauty to be a model. I'll be lucky the next time around.

It is all a give n' take.
Life is always just a fucking give n' take.

I have such a heavy chest.
It's the feeling you get when
you are angry.
It's the feeling that comes after
an empty pack of cigarettes.
It's the feeling you get when
all you want is to sleep forever.

I can't swallow. It's hard to figure out
what thoughts are yours when you're
telling yourself you don't think that way.

It's hard not to scream.
It's hard to not want to die.

Purge

She grew up with a mother and father. A father who tried and a mother who cried. Many asked her how she ended up where she was. It was easy. Easy for anyone to trip and fall. There was a crack and then she just fell through. Just like that. It was easy.

She lived her life with the belief that one day she would gain her ounce of punctuality. She prayed she would break free from her liars' club. It was a lost wish. So she settled for love. A love that only the lucky few feel. A love that only the rotten ones can feel. They became dreamers. Two halves, walking around with big gaping holes in the shape of the other person. There was nothing to wish for because everything was heavenly. Until it wasn't. Until the pushes just became too much. Until the past started remembering its role. Everything was heavenly until it wasn't.

People ask, how do you end up there? It is easy. There comes a crack and somehow, you just fall through.

I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate YOU.

How could you?
How could you?
How could you come back?
Why did you have to come back?
Please go away.
Go back and never come back.
Please, please, please
You're ruining everything.
You're ruining me.

Please go back and never come back.

I hate what you did.
I hate what you're going to do.
I hate what you're doing now.

Please, please go.
Just go.
Please